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Alienation / Mental Health / Coping

When You Are Going Through So Much Pain You Contemplate Suicide

Most people suffer in silence. They put out a brave exterior but inside they are conflicted and suffering. Is suicide an answer or a question? To yourself, you may feel worthless. Can’t see things changing. Its like wave after wave of crap and all you want, is to be ‘normal’. Be able to have things to look forward to, without feeling guilty or anxious. Believe me, I know all about this. Sometimes problems are so raw and overwhelming you don’t know where to turn. Even worse, you convince yourself there is no hope for you. That people think less of you. So you isolate yourself and your pain. You cope by eating the wrong things or drinking and smoking. Its f***ing horrible! I think even contemplating suicide is almost like a slow death. You are passed caring about yourself and regularly think about ‘how’ and ‘when’.

You cannot tell anyone, as they might not understand you, and what if they think different or even less of you. Perhaps you have sought help and the person supposed to help was nonchalant with your pain, made you feel like they personally could not care less. Happened to me.

I plucked up the courage to tell my GP that things were getting too much. I had trouble sleeping. Concentrating. Remembering things. Caring about myself. GP referred me for counselling. The counsellor I saw could not have cared any less if they tried. They could not stop glancing at the clock – which made me feel anxious and an inconvenience to them. So I didn’t open up. I tried. But do they have a real understanding or experience of what its like to be seriously thinking of suicide? This counsellor did not understand my pain. I walked away thinking what a waste of time. I need people that can relate to help me. And that dear friend, was my key to moving forward – no, not an overnight ‘cure’, just moving forward!

Living Life In The Shit

My life is not as bad as it was. Though I still cannot get my diet right or exercise. But I realised something: seeking out and helping people like me – actually helped me! Could this approach help you? Because without knowing it, you are strong, you are a long way into your suffering journey and you have made it this far. That is how strong you are! You are a credit to yourself. You have navigated through so much and here you are. Think about it – could someone else go through so much crap and come out where you are today?


What would you say to this young boy if he was contemplating suicide? Don’t just read these words. STOP and answer the question!: What would you say to this child if he was having suicidal thoughts?


Was your answer similar to mine? In that, you’d swing into to action and try and make him understand suicide is not the answer. You’d point out all the reasons he should not do it. You would try and understand the trigger and why he is considering suicide. You’d help him find support and help. Was your answer similar?

How can you do that for someone else and not yourself? Answer: I have no idea. I could not do it for myself. But someone else, and I was like Tarzan swinging in to help and support. Were my help and support any good? Yes, I think so, because when trying to support someone else, I realised I had experience! I could relate to them from my own pain. I have a bit of ‘previous’. The Proper real life experience of living on the edge and coping. In taking one day at a time. In dealing with blow after blow of crap. I can’t help myself but I can help someone else. Bloody typical! Or is it?

You see, me helping others did two things:

  1. Helping and supporting someone else like me helped my own suffering and especially my own understanding of my pain. That person learnt from me and I learnt from them. Which made me feel better about being me.
  2. I made some new friends. Real friends that cared about me and supported me, because they understand me and I don’t have to pretend. I can say how I feel.

Yes, I am an expert at feeling like crap, but someone else could benefit from my ‘expertise’. So could putting your experience to use, help you?

Where To Find Relatable People

So where can you find these people to relate to? I skipped Facebook as I did not want the whole world knowing my situation. I used Twitter. I set up a pseudonym name. Not my real name. I watched a video on YouTube on how to properly use twitter and learnt how to find and connect to people. That’s all I did. Initially, I did not engage, I followed people, experts, certain hashtags i.e. #negativethoughts – watch YouTube learn up on hashtags and lists, it will not take long to learn.

I also found an app for IOS and Android called SevenCupsOfTea – its free and you can join anonymously. You join either as a person to help others or you can join seeking help. It’s a real time 1-2-1 chat room app. You can have chats with another person from anywhere in the world that needs help or is offering help.

On demand for me

My brain can perfectly describe my pain to me, but soon as I try to tell someone else, on demand, the motivation to talk is gone, my brain does not want to know and I come across as not taking the situation seriously etc. So the good thing about the two above options is not only are they helping you connect to relatable people, but they are resources you can access whenever you need to – when you need to talk, when you are hurting, can’t sleep, panicking etc.

You’d be surprised as to how many people look like they have the ‘good life’ but are actually suffering. I always think how inspiring it is when a famous person comes out with their suffering as you can learn something every time. Stephen Fry, a multi-millionaire celebrity who can buy all the help and support he needs, has been incredibly honest about his issues. Here he is talking about his suicide attempt – YouTube video, will open in a new tab. All his resources and still feels suicidal. Suicidal thoughts happen to lots of people!

I am not against a GP, medication or Counselling. I am merely saying that support on demand from relatable people really made a difference for me. I realised I am expert at something, a phd in making me unhappy. Ironic, therefore it is something that can help others and even save lives!

You can do it too! It could be the making of you and take you on a wonderfully positive new chapter in your life. You could set up your own website or twitter or YouTube channel to help others – if you do, let me know and I will try and give you a boost. Imagine making your issues into a living!!! #success

I am going to make myself take part in some big charity event – like a national bike ride or something. Why? because whilst I’m not happy in myself, I do want to load up on some life content to help others, like me! (and you?).

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